Funny Jokes!!

Women's top 5 lies:

1. I am a virgin.
2. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
4. I won't gain weight after marriage
5. I am coming! I am coming!!!

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An escaped convict breaks into a room,ties up the husband in chair and wife on bed, Jumps on top of the wife, on the bed, Kisses her ear and goes to the bathroom.

Husband to wife: Honey, satisfy him or he will kill us both. I saw the way he kissed u. Be strong, I luv u!!!

Wife: He didn't kiss m. he whispered in my ear that he is 9* and looking for Vaseline. I told him it is in the bathroom. He' s gone to get it. U be strong. I LOVE U!!!!!!!
(this has to be the BEST joke ever!! LOL)
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Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about
what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
..................

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how
much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
.................

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.
................

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she
can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
....................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter
were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look
at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
.........

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
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Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
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Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
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A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between
'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan" said
the
teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and
'illegal' is a sick eagle."
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Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
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A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level