- We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!

- I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

- All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

- Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

- Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

- First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

- Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

- Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

- Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

- Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

- Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......

- My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

- Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

- Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

- If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

- Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

- Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

- Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

- It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

- News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

- God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

- CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

- Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

- Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

- I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

- ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

- Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

- Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

- Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

- I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

- There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

- What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

- What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

- A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

- Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

- What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

- Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

- What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

- The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

- Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

- WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

- What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

- Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

- Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

- What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

- What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

- Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

- Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

- I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

- I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

- How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

- For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

- What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

- Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

- Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

- Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

- What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

- What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

- How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

- Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

- Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

- Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

- A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

- Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

- I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

- Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

- What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

- It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

- I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

- Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

- My Reality Check bounced.

- Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

- Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

- Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

- Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

- Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

- Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

- What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.