"My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
-- Buddy Hackett

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
-- Jackie Mason

Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.
-- Mike Myers

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-- Michel de Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-- Anonymous

"My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
-- Buddy Hackett


"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." - Groucho Marx.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter